What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 04:59
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im still living with it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I don,t even have a pension.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
What are some effective ways to cope with loss and grief?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
What are some common historical misconceptions?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
How do you emotionally react to when others seem to feel sorry for you?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
My life is so biszare .
If an abortion doesn’t affect you, why do people make it a big deal?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I will be 64.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He knew the spot.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What do you say after "Hi" when chatting?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it wasn’t much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Would this be the day?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Comes on , in middle age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i lived it daily.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was very sick at this time too.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was in good health!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My family never makes their pension either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We all went to grammer schools
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What did i know ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I write beautiful poetry .
So, i spoilt her more .
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I waited trembling.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I said to her
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Put me off passion for life!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I have no regrets .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..